Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
