2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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