I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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