grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
