i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
