i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
