She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
