Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
