Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
