I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
