drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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