I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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