look no pants
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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