I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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