I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
