Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
