i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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