xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
