I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
