Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
