I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
