I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
