Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
