Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
