I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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