I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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