I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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