You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize