The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
