upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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