I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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