Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
