so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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