I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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