I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
