My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
