so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
