The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
