He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
