IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
