how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
sex in a hospital.. check
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
