Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
