What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
