Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i came on her dog
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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