she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
