I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize