Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we're making bets on your personal life
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
