she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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