thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
