Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
