We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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