Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
