I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
