you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
