Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize