Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
