What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
