ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
