My hand turned me down
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
