Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Pooping to opera.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
