She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
