how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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