Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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