you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
