I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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