i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
